Friday, July 29, 2011

Fleeting

Lately I have been overcome by some sadness about how fleeting life can feel as a military family.  How people, houses, places, comforts, jobs, and even things like familiar sounds and restaurants just come and go in and out of our lives so quickly and quietly.  I'm not sure what triggered this feeling, but I have been having a little trouble lately getting too attached or too excited about anything for fear that the second I really start to revel in it - it will be gone.

My life, and the lives of those around me, are constantly shifting.  Right now I have close friends planning their PCSs (military lingo for permanent change of station - or, simply put, moving away) to San Diego, Alaska, California, Florida, Hawaii... you name it.  I also, thankfully, have several friends that are moving back to Virginia.  People who I love and haven't seen in months or years.  Our spouses are deploying, coming home, changing jobs, getting out the of the military, and signing contracts to stay in longer.  Sometimes every ounce of my body screams with the desire to grow roots somewhere.  To buy the "perfect" house, make it exactly what I want, watch my kids go to the same school with the same friends, enjoy my social circle and not worry about who is going to move next or what farewell dinner I have to go to now.  It can be so exhausting to worry (and yea, you can see the anxiety peeking out a little here) about who I am going to have to say goodbye to next.  And when I am going to have to say goodbye again, pack up my house, and move into the unknown.

But then something shifts.  A friend who I haven't seen in awhile moves back into my everyday life.  Or I go to a dinner party and enjoy the easy friendships that are formed between military spouses.  How because we don't have those roots, we aren't as hardened or "content" to just stick to the friends we have.  We want to meet others and form new friendships because our lifestyles force us to branch out.  It can be extremely uncomfortable sometimes, and the "see you laters" can cast a shadow on the "nice to meet yous", but the silver lining of a transient lifestyle is certainly there.  When you go through hard times and deployments with other women, near strangers become close girlfriends rather quickly.  So I wonder, do I actually enjoy this fleeting life?  As one of my good friends asked recently, "if you aren't living an adventure, what is the point in living?"  Good question. 

Life is short.  The romance of the transient adventure balanced against the comfort and safety of a "forever home" is a lingering question.  I honestly don't know what I want or when I want it.  I guess for now I need to focus on what makes me happy in the present. 

3 comments:

Pam said...

I've been struggling with the same feelings lately. My family is not a military family, they all live in Maryland and have their whole lives. I've been longing for that and I wonder if I would be content with it if I didn't have the opportunity to move around for a while first. And this: "How because we don't have those roots, we aren't as hardened or "content" to just stick to the friends we have. " is something I take for granted. I tend to think I'm pretty outgoing and make friends easily, but maybe it's because I and the people I've befriended have to? Great post!

mygoalissimple.com said...

I have mixed emotions as well. Even though we're not a true active duty military family anymore, Clay's job will involve us moving every couple of years to military bases and outposts. The closest group of friends (5 of us) I made was at Ft. Drum, NY. We're still close despite being all over the place and I think it is because of the horrid deployment we went through together. I sometimes feel defeated because I don't think I will ever find that bond again. :(

Karen

Blueangel said...

I think we are going to "experiment" with those feelings now.
Moving back to Ohio is our way of seeing if that "going home" and being close to family, where roots could be made feels better for us or maybe it won't and will feel too suffocating and we will leave. We aren't buying when we move there just in case in 6 months we realize "moving home" was just a romantic idea and if in 6 months we realize it is for us... we will buy.

But I wonder often about our little experiment but I thought if we didn't go back to Ohio now I would always daydream about a romantic fantasy of home.

- Bryn

Hi, I'm Jill!

Hi, I'm Jill!
Extrovert. Mom of two. Wife of a cute Naval Aviator. Lover of wine. When I'm not chasing my two kids around town you will find me writing, taking too many photos, and researching the ten future areas the Navy could potentially (but probably won't) PCS us. We are fish out of water, landlocked at 7,000 feet. For now.

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