Friday, September 23, 2011

Dark and Dreary

This week has been pretty tough.  I think it is safe to say that when you see a lull in this blog that it means I am probably having a bad week.  That I have been run ragged by my kids, chores, obligations, and just life in general.  By the time the day is over I just want two things: dinner and bed.  Sometimes I just skip the food and go right to sleep (aka deployment diet).  I try to keep things on this blog fairly positive because I am not a complainer by nature.  I try to look at things with a "glass half full" outlook and see the good in them.  One of my mottos is that anything can be done with a "can-do attitude and a sense of humor".  This week I have been struggling.

I think "rock bottom" was on Tuesday night (I think?) when I looked at my front yard and realized that I just needed to mow it.  It had been a long day - the kids and I had been out and about a lot - and I was already tired.  After baths, books, and bed I tied up my sneakers and went into the garage to turn on the lawnmower.  I got started on the front yard and about halfway done I realized that it was DARK outside.  And that mowing probably wasn't super safe.  The days of being able to put my kids down at 7 and have enough time to mow my lawn are over apparently.  And as I continued to mow in the dark I started feeling very sorry for myself.  I had just run myself ragged after two small kids alone, cooked meals, changed diapers, kissed boo boos, read books, done arts and crafts, fed bottles, cleaned the kitchen, given baths, grocery shopped, put them to bed, and kept a positive attitude all day long and here I was.  Alone.  Mowing the lawn. IN THE DARK.  Seriously?

I don't have enough hours in the day.  I am overwhelmed.  I am sick of this deployment.  I am ready to have my partner back.

6 comments:

sanctimomious said...

Im so sorry Jill. I can feel your exhaustion through the screen. xxx You are doing amazing.

Anonymous said...

Perfectly said! Thanks for sharing the good, bad and the occasional ugly side of this deployment. Stay strong - you are doing AWESOME!

Lori said...

It sucks... I remember all too well... But I also remember coming up for air, the day after one of those "darkest days" and feeling a great sense of accomplishment, and pride... In myself and what I had done.. Then realized.. While I was home keeping the fires burning, Paul was able to serve his country and focus on his mission.. It made me feel like I was doing my part in the bigger picture! YOU ARE too. . Hang in there sweetie.. Better days ahead!! Xoxo

Sarah said...

Days like that are bound to happen during a deployment. Thanks for being honest about it! Being positive and trying to maintain a great sense of humor are definitely necessary, but it's also nice to hear from someone else whose husband is deployed that sometimes it's just flat our hard! You're doing awesome. Hang in there. You're on the downhill!

Laura said...

Sending you a hug. We ALL have *those days. Your writing is showing a vunerable side, that I know quite a few of us spouses don't often like to show. I think it's a wonderful thing, consider it therapeutic. WE, as spouses, don't need to 'suck it up!'.. We put in our hard time. Period. And when we hit a wall, we need to unload. I've always said that each deployment isn't 'harder', however, it's certainly different.. As there's this assumption that those of us with a few or more under the belt, just fly through it effortlessly. The year that I had an infant and toddler -- I still consider to be the most challenging of them all. Oh, I remember setting up the play pen praying I could mow a few rows in the front yard before 1 of the 2 climbed out. Or mowing during nap time with my eyes fixated on the bedroom window..And then there was the very worthy investment of a bubble mower and a child's rake, to keep both occupied once they were a little older. NOW - one is old enough to mow the grass for me.. and we live in a condo! That figures.. ;) Anyhow, the toddler-infant deployment --- It was a turning point in my growth as a military spouse, for certain.. as you're finding it to be for yourself. Chin up, it's a new day and another week down!! - Laura

Blueangels said...

When Brian was gone mowing the lawn was one thing I wasn't going to do. I had a "eco-friendly" lawn service do it. He has a deployment special and it was only about $45 a month.
You deserve the break. I can pass on his name if you want it but it is also end of year so you may not need it.

Hi, I'm Jill!

Hi, I'm Jill!
Extrovert. Mom of two. Wife of a cute Naval Aviator. Lover of wine. When I'm not chasing my two kids around town you will find me writing, taking too many photos, and researching the ten future areas the Navy could potentially (but probably won't) PCS us. We are fish out of water, landlocked at 7,000 feet. For now.

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