Thursday, November 8, 2012
5:05 PM | Posted by Jill | | Edit Post
Here, pull up one of these.
And take a sip of this.
And let's chat about the way things have been going lately.
I am very stressed right now. I have been crying a lot. I am confused, angry, and annoyed. I don't know who I am sometimes and I feel lost about where we are going.
Do you know what it feels like to systematically cancel your life as you know it? And then, when they politely ask you where you are going, to consistently get this face?
Pretty much exactly this, just the human version
I have defended Kansas more than I have ever defended Virginia and I have never been there. Can I tell you how much fun it is to get pity from strangers constantly about a place you have never been? A place where you really didn't have a whole lot of say about going? It is stressful. My friends haven't been much better. And while I know they are kidding, hearing that they refuse to visit me because I am going to the Great Plains and not some convenient location or tropical location stings a little. I'm not mad, I get that Kansas City isn't Maui, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
People who don't know me and who just take my blog name for face value might assume I have a knack for being zen. I don't. If you know me and hang out with me in more than just in passing you know that I have a tendency to be anxious. To worry and think too much and wonder what I am getting myself into. Typical Type-A, first child BS. I start to bumble and stumble and cry. I don't actually drink a lot of cosmos. Maybe that is my problem?
The past few weeks have really been hard for me. I have been in Norfolk with my kids while my husband is down flying and having fun. We have had Hurricane Sandy, a (small) nor'easter, and the kid-sleep killing Daylight Savings. I don't usually feel sorry for myself when he is on the ship. But when he goes on these good deal detachments where he gets to relax and have fun with friends and eat good food and put it all under the category of "work trip" I get jealous. And a little resentful that we both have Master's degrees and work experience and I am at home changing diapers and breaking up toddler throw-downs while he flies F-18s and gets long dinners out. His life feels so much more well rounded than mine and I am jealous. And looking down the road I just get sad. For the next year he gets to go to school, learn cool things, exercise his brain. What do I get? I'm not sure. I have no friends there, no family, I know not a soul. I don't plan on working and I am going to be going there in the dead of winter where I can't exactly just hang outside and hope someone cool who wants to be friends walks by.
It is becoming clear to me that I need something for myself outside being a mother and wife. I do love being a mom. My kids give me a tremendous amount of joy. But they don't "complete me" (to quote Jerry McGuire). I am personally not a well rounded person by doing nothing but play with and cater to them. I'm not sure what I am going to do to better myself or occupy my brain in the next year, but I need to start thinking about it and getting excited about it. I need something. Right now I am feeling resentful and that is not the way I want to live.
I realize that this post will probably be a stark and dark read compared to the millions of blogs focused on gratitude during the month of November. It goes without saying that I know I live a very lucky and blessed life. It also goes without saying that I know I am whining right now. I know many people are fighting much harder battles than me.
If you are still sitting in the chair reading this - thank you. Venting is often the first step to change. And an attitude adjustment is certainly in order.
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