Tuesday, November 8, 2011

There Just Isn't Enough Wine in the World Right Now...

I am an anxious person by nature.  I should probably be medicated - but of course, as a mental health practitioner myself, I tend to avoid medication and therapy like the plague.  I am a bad patient.  There have been days during this deployment where I have even picked up the phone to call my doctor to chat about some solutions (other than wine) and I have always stopped.  Or been interrupted by a child screaming from across the room.  And now as we are in the final stretch of this deployment my new excuse is that things will get easier once John is home.  Excuses excuses...



Right now I have a lot to look forward to.  My son's birthday party is this weekend.  I am headed to Europe in a few weeks to see my hubby.  Then less than a week after I return from our rendezvous, it will be homecoming and this deployment will be o.v.e.r.  But instead of celebrating, I am fretting.  And worrying.  And there just isn't enough wine in the rack right now to get the "what ifs" from eating me alive.

This is our third deployment and the weeks prior to homecoming have always been challenging to me.  I feel like such a weirdo because, at least on the surface, everyone else seems to be celebrating (and cleaning, trying new dinner menu items, and buying new underwear).  I just get sad.  And time seems to go by at a snail's pace.  It isn't because I'm not excited for my husband to be home because I am.  He is my best friend and has been since we were 15 years old.  I think it is that I tend to reflect toward the end of a long separation and get a little bit sad about how much time has gone by, how different things are, and how much we have to catch up on once he does get home.

I have been worrying constantly lately.  Worrying about when I go to Europe - will my mom and other family members be able to handle my kids?  Will they be angry at me for putting them in a position where they need to watch them?  Will something happen and I feel guilty?  If something happens, will they be able to get in touch with me?  What if what if what if.  And I could keep going downhill about basic things like my husband's safety landing on an aircraft carrier these last few weeks... but I won't go there.  Because that is just too depressing and beyond the scope of tonight's glass of Shiraz.

I just need a second seventh wind to get through this last month.  And the ability to walk into the airport in a few weeks and be confident that everything will be fine in my absence.  Everything will be fine. 

7 comments:

Nikki W. said...

Im sorry you are so stressed and anxious right now. Everything is going to be fine, but I know that doesnt help for me to say. Keep swimming, love, its almost over. xxxx

Jenni said...

I'm also sorry you're feeling anxious. You've got more deployments under your belt than I do, but I can relate to the anxiety toward the end. I usually do really well during stressful circumstances but toward the end or after they are over I become a nervous, anxious wreck.

When we were finally done with the whole Korea chapter of our lives earlier this year, I went through 4 months of severe, diagnosable anxiety (seriously...I went to the doctor over it and I hate going to the doctor).

Anyway, all that to say that even though I can't make it better for you, I hope that I was able to convey that you're not alone. I'll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers as homecoming (and readjustment) gets closer!

My Bottle's Up! said...

thinking of you, lady.

(also, i have an anxiety girl t-shirt... just sayin.)

Lori said...

Ummm...let's see...I have no idea about what to say for your anxiety issues, as I have no idea what anxiety even is.

Yeah, right.

It will be fine. It will be fine. It will be fine. It will be fine.

And you, being much like I am, will only believe that once it's happened and you see it really was fine.

But it will be.

I get it though...even though military life has been our life for a while now (though admittedly, Pax was a bit different), the whole "husband/daddy in-and-out-of-our-life-and-routine thing" is still a very unnatural and complicated way to live...complete with all sorts of ranging emotions all the time. It's tough.

But it will be fine. Your family adores your K and C. Your family adores you and wants to help this be a wonderful thing for you and your husband. Your kids are going to adore being adored.

It's going to be better than fine.

It's going to be fabulous! xoxoxoxo

(BTW--yes, after realizing that 1/2 hour extra added to each trip I took simply because I had to back in and out of my driveway 107 times to be sure I did so correctly and as closely to yesterday's tire tracks as I could was a pain in my rear...I found medicine. Not permanently...far more behavior modification for OCD and GAD than anything, but still...no shame in the meds, trust me!)

Jen said...

Jill, I am sorry. I get the anxiety for sure. I have been on both SSRI's and benzos prn in the past, as well as therapy. I have vowed to not used medication again, but I do worry my anxiety will re-surface in an incapacitating way again in life.

You are almost there. Vent away..but you GOT THIS!

Tayla said...

As a fellow anxiety girl, I totally hear you. And everything will be better than fine, it will be great. :)

Sheri said...

I totally get the anxiety. My boyfriend will be returning from Iraq next week and I am a nervous wreck. Especially as he convoys through Iraq to get to Kuwait as I type this. Everyone tells you to relax and that it is near the end, but no matter how exciting it is you can't help but fret about all of the tiny details. My heart is right there with you. Day at a time is all I keep telling myself... one day at a time.

Hi, I'm Jill!

Hi, I'm Jill!
Extrovert. Mom of two. Wife of a cute Naval Aviator. Lover of wine. When I'm not chasing my two kids around town you will find me writing, taking too many photos, and researching the ten future areas the Navy could potentially (but probably won't) PCS us. We are fish out of water, landlocked at 7,000 feet. For now.

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