The morning of September 22, 2013 was a typical one for Theresa Jones. She was 8 and a half months into a deployment that had been extended due to the Syrian crisis. Her husband Landon, a helicopter pilot, was attached to a squadron stationed on the USS Nimitz.  Her newborn son Hunter, born while her husband was deployed, was hungry and needed to be fed.

As usual, I started nursing Hunter and then grabbed my phone from my bedside table to check my email and Facebook while he ate. I always checked my emails to see if I had received any from Landon. I was always excited to see a notification of an email from him throughout deployment and this morning was no different.

Landon had written Theresa, but it was a short "one liner". Something us military spouses both love and loathe equally. A signal that they are well, but that they are busy. After reading her email and writing him back, she switched over to peruse Facebook while she finished feeding Hunter. That is when the day went from typical to a nightmare.

My heart stopped. I couldn't click that link fast enough. Panic immediately set in. The link took me to the 5th Fleet's webpage. It said that a helicopter had crashed in the central Red Sea. I looked at those words and my brain went into overload. HSC-6? My heart was racing and I could not catch my breath. I immediately fired off an email to Landon pleading for him to respond and let me know he was okay.

Often when there is an incident, the protocol is to shut down all outbound communications so to avoid any information getting to the families before they are notified by official means. Theresa knew this, but we all hope that our husbands can somehow get word to us that they are alive and well. Ironically, it didn't seem as though the persons in charge of the Nimitz's Facebook page were following such protocol. And so began a day for the HSC-6 squadron where nervous phone calls, texts, and chatter would flutter about between the spouses and families.

I texted everyone from my best friend to the CO's wife to the Ombudsman wondering what was going on. Many of them had no clue that anything had happened at that point. They were still just waking up for the day. I immediately started googling what time it was in the Red Sea, and comparing that time to the time of the Facebook post and the time of my husband's last email to me.  If you've ever thought you've lost your child in a store, or came close to having an accident on a highway - that is how I felt. Times a thousand.

 
Theresa panicked. Just like we all would under the circumstances. Her in-laws happened to be in town when this happened and she shared the information she had (at this point, still only the Facebook link from Nimitz). Her mother-in-law wondered if they would have called if it had been Landon but Theresa and her father-in-law knew that someone would come to the door.

Four hours went by.

I had started to breath normally again. I had begun to successfully convince myself it wasn't him. He was a great pilot. . . he was stationed on a different ship*, there was no way this could happen to us.  At that point I wasn't sure how the Casualty Assistance Calls process worked, but if the news was already online, surely the spouse had already been notified. Then my doorbell rang. I looked through the peephole and saw three men in their Service Dress Blues. I immediately collapsed to the floor, sobbing and screaming.

 

The CACO (Casualty Assistance Calls Officer) team came into Theresa's house and explained that Landon had been involved in a mishap. This was approximately 6 hours after Nimitz had posted about the accident on their Facebook account.

I told them I already knew [that there had been a mishap with HSC-6] and that I saw the news on Facebook. I had known for hours. They looked at me in disbelief. As my husband was still considered missing, they assured me that whether the search for my husband was successful or unsuccessful, that I would hear it from them first. As day turned into night I prayed for good news. The following morning, as I sat in my house full of people still praying, I scrolled through Facebook again. My eyes immediately stopped at one post. A friend had posted a link. . .

I couldn't believe it. I looked at my friend and said, "he's dead". I showed her the post and she couldn't believe it either. I responded "I didn't know that yet" [to the Facebook post]. I picked up my iPad and went upstairs to the guest room where my in laws were praying for their son. I looked at them and told them I was sorry, but that the search had been called off. They looked at me and asked, "how do you know? They said they would come back and tell us!". I showed them the article and we all immediately started sobbing. It was my mother in law's birthday.

It was 45 minutes later that CACO rang Theresa's doorbell a second time. She had them wait while she finished nursing Hunter. She already knew the bad news, so she wanted those last peaceful moments with her newborn. They again apologized for the fact that social media had again outpaced the official notification process.

It has now been five months since Landon died and Theresa is trying to make a difference for other widows in the military. The culture of "instant gratification" has implications that reach far beyond what our culture tends to think about. Theresa's friend posted the article about the search because she was hoping to garner support for the Jones family. It was not malicious, but she inadvertently became the person who informed Theresa she was a widow.


In the naval aviation community, we often share posts about plane crashes or other mishaps because we want everyone wrapping their arms around the people involved. Never do we think that we actually might be the people who cause a woman to pace her house for an entire day, nervously glancing at the front door. Social media has become so fast and so instant that it is outpacing the real human interaction that has been a mainstay of humane military death and accident notification. I am totally guilty of it, Theresa admits that she was also guilty of it in the past, but she is motivated to make a change within the military and within the families, spouses' groups, and FRGs.

If there is any sort of advice I could offer now, I would say please wait and think before hitting the "share" button. Say a silent prayer. Give the family and friends time to find out through official channels. Let's allow these families time to find out first, and privately, instead of with the masses.

When dealing with military accidents and deaths, be gentle in your quest to get information out. If names haven't been produced by the military, it is likely because the notification process is still ongoing. Wait until those names are released. At that point, you can be sure that sharing links to articles, family fundraisers, and other outreaches is safe.

We so often talk about OPSEC (Operational Security) and PERSEC (Personal Security) when discussing the internet and it's relation to our lives. All Navy wives know the mantra "loose lips sink ships" and not to post your personal address on the open internet. Theresa's quest is more of a nuanced one, a gray area where people are sharing articles that are already "out there" in the media, so not a violation of the traditional rules. She is trying to get her message out to spouses and families. On a personal level, I think "big Navy" (and "big military", for that matter) should also take note.

There are families reading Facebook and Twitter. When the person in charge of Nimitz's Facebook page posted that a helicopter was down, were they thinking of the new mother nursing her baby in the wee hours of the morning? Probably not. And we need to keep those people in mind when trying to be the first to break or share a news story.

If you are part of an OSC or FRG, please consider this story. In Theresa's honor, have a discussion with the men and women in your group about the proper channels for sharing information related to mishaps within the community. We aren't all going to agree, and civil discussion is always a wonderful thing, but in the world of Facebook and Twitter we cannot forget about the real people behind the screen. We've got to protect and take care of one another.



__________
* Landon was attached to HSC-6, which is located on the Nimitz. He was also the OIC of a small detachment on the USNS Ranier, a small supply ship in the battle group.
 

Last year my girlfriend Sarah asked her military friends to write a letter to her beloved babysitter who was marrying an Air Force officer.  Because I love to write and am naturally long winded, I wrote a list of things I believe make me a happier wife to someone in the Navy.  It turned into a bit of a love letter to all of the wonderful people and places we have been. Mostly people.

I debated posting it here.  I obviously didn't want to post it before the wedding because Amy needed the opportunity to be surprised by the sweet gift from Sarah.  But then I wondered if my words sounded to sappy or silly or just too "gung ho" and quite honestly worried people would think I am some bubble gum wife in an apron with the "Navy Wife" license plate.  I'm not.  I'm a slightly grumpy, average cook who is currently trying really hard to be a decent wife (because I can be pretty prickly these days) during my husband's current TDY.

However, as I have adjusted to this new coast solo, I am being re-introduced to my love of "the people".  It is surreal that in an area where I can barely find the grocery store, still don't have a dry cleaner, and would literally drive off a cliff without my GPS, that I see people I know almost everywhere I go.  People I have lived in Virginia with, people I have lived in Maryland with, people who I know because we have 46 mutual friends on Facebook and are finally getting to meet face to face.  It is a huge comfort.  And surreal.  In what other kind of life do you move to a completely new area and run into several familiar faces every time you leave your house?

So anyway, I'm putting myself out there.  My letter to Amy:



I’ve thought about what I would tell myself 10 years ago if I had the chance.  Like you, I married my husband fresh out of the Naval Academy.  We were 22, giddy in love, and totally and completely clueless about the adventure ahead of us.  Like you, I had grown up in one area.  My preschool friends were my high school friends.  I had never been exposed to the military lifestyle.  The acronyms like PCS, CONUS, BDU, CVW, XO, etc were completely foreign and I had no idea how they would become part of my fluent vocabulary so quickly.

4.  Don't take yourself too seriously. Being an officer's wife does not make you special. Be kind to everyone, help who you can, advocate for others.  Some of your best friends might be enlisted spouses, or they might be the spouse of the highest ranking officer in the area.  Just be open to friendship and be kind.  Never expect special treatment because your husband wears strips and someone else's wears chevrons.

5.  Work hard, party hard. There is a unique atmosphere to the military community that will keep you young.  Have fun!  Don't skip a ball or party because someone rolled their eyes about the latest function.  Always go and see for yourself. (that link isn't the best example because my husband was deployed, HOWEVER, I think my going to a function solo illustrates how fun some of those parties can be!)

6.  Volunteer! Get involved with your community. Working can sometimes be a tough thing to do on short tours, but you can always put your talents toward good deeds.  It is good for the soul and a great way to meet fun, sweet, generous people in new areas.

7.  It's okay to have bad days.  There will come a day where you will hate the Air Force with every fiber of your being.  It will be soul-crushing frustration and you will take it out on your husband (or your child, friend, dog, voodoo doll).  This is completely NORMAL and you have every right to feel sorry for yourself sometimes.  If possible, do not take it out on your husband. He doesn't have control over most things and projecting your feelings of hostility toward him can damage your marriage.  Communicate, of course.  But don't steamroll him with profanity when you find out the AF is sending you to Montana (and see #3).

8.  Don't blink! Everything goes by incredibly fast - even deployments! I feel like I just walked under the sword arch and was welcomed into the Navy family.  But here I sit, 10 and a half years later, two kids, 3 deployments, and 6 duty stations later and I can't believe how fast it has gone.  I have become a cliché!

9. Homecoming almost makes deployment worth it.  Almost.  You have a choice with separations - to make the worst of them or to embrace some of the upsides.  You will have the unique opportunity to miss your husband. After several years of marriage, this can actually be refreshing. Of course, after about two or three weeks you'll be like, "okay, I miss you, come home now".  But alas, deployment isn't two or three weeks, but you will make it those 6 or 9 or 12 months.  When he returns, and you are standing on the tarmac or at the airport waiting for your husband it will be absolutely magical.

Love,
Jill

If a picture is worth a thousand words...


This beach is on base at Naval Air Station Point Mugu.  My father, who is a commercial real estate developer, always said that the US Navy owns the best, and most expensive property in the nation.  From Pearl Harbor to Annapolis to Coronado.  Point Mugu is certainly no exception as we have learned first hand the past few weeks.

Malibu is just to the south, but Point Mugu is much less crowded because of the restricted access.

Go Navy! 

The real line from the movie, in an effort to avoid the movie nerd correction emails, is "Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore".  And I've a feeling that is correct for us, though we were brought to SoCal by way of Honda minivan and not tornado. 

In the two weeks we have lived in California I have been the receiving end of that joke, oh, 20 times.  But that's okay because I'm sure I would probably say the same to an alien life form moving to the Los Angeles area from the heartland.  It is only slightly awkward because we're not "from" Kansas.  And so goes my military spouse identity crisis where I sit in bed at night and ponder how to answer the "where are you from?" question without making people think "dang, lady, I was just being polite.  Didn't need the life story".  

In case you wondered whether we embraced the Kansas life, here is a picture from this past Halloween:


John was understandably hesitant about going as the scarecrow, but quickly agreed when I told him my mother (who was visiting for the weekend) would be the wicked witch.  Every man wants to call his mother-in-law a wicked witch at least once without being knocked out cold.  Our Kansas neighbors have a dog that looks just like Toto and they were happy to let us tote him around for the evening.  It was fate and I am forever the owner of ruby slippers if anyone wants to raid my closet.

On December 13th, John graduated from Army school (Command and General Staff College) and we were so anxious to get out of the icy cold and into the warm sunshine that we drove all the way to Denver that very afternoon.  Kansas is not a very dynamic state to look at.



By Monday the 15th we had arrived at our new home in Camarillo, California and I did a happy dance at the sight of palm trees, and mountains, and Trader Joes!  We went to the beach the next morning and it was like we had never left the coast at all. 


We camped on air mattresses until Thursday the 19th when our stuff arrived.  John cracked the whip, and we were pretty much 100% unpacked in time to host my brother in law and his fiancé for Christmas.  Thankfully, we didn't even have to tell them to find their own sheets, pillows, and towels amongst the boxes of crap.

There is a lot I could write about our new area, but simply put:  I'm spoiled.  This area might ruin me for future moves.  It is warm.


I have palm trees in my yard (that the HOA cares for). The shopping is amazing.  There are more bars and restaurants than I can even fathom.  We are very close to a large city that we get to explore and access to a huge international airport when we want to escape.  The ocean, the fruit trees, the lack of mosquitos and humidity. It's glorious. The jury is still out of my east coast personality can hang with west coast cool, but so far everyone I meet seems very nice and personable. And they love wine.

I think we'll be quite happy here.

The poet William Wordsworth once wrote, "fill the paper with the breathings of your heart".  Writers need to write.  It is stress relief, it is cathartic, it is important.  Some need to run, some need to draw, some need to yell and scream.  Writing has always made me feel better; like getting a thousand pounds off my chest.  It is freeing.

This blog takes on many different functions for me.  I wrestle with it sometimes.  Do I want to be as outspoken as I am sometimes?  Do I want it to be a diary?  If my kids read it in 15 years would I be proud? Do I want to be so public with my emotions and feelings and opinions?

I honestly don't have good answer for what I want it to be.  It just is.  I guess if I were to say something to Kate and Connor who might read this in 15 years - this blog is a good reflection of me.  Imperfect. Changing. Rough around the edges. An example of how in life it is okay to be happy and sad.  It is okay to be an open person.

We are entering our last week at Fort Leavenworth.  Moving again in the deep freeze of December and heading west to Southern California.  I'm excited about California.  I love the warmth and the ocean and I have always had a strange affinity for palm trees.  John even looked all over Pensacola for an apartment with some palm trees when he started flight school over a decade ago.  He knew the palm trees would put a smile on my face as we embarked on this crazy life together.  Our new house has palm trees in the driveway.  I can't tell you how excited that makes me.

But sadly, I'm not all sunshine this week.  It has actually been a remarkably sad few time for me.  Moving is hard.  The holidays are stressful. And as I approach the due date of our most recent loss I find myself in a trifecta of hurt.  When I watched the tree lighting at Rockefeller Center I burst into tears.  When I got pregnant last spring, I imagined us preparing for a new baby around a Christmas tree.  Instead, I see boxes and moving tape and no tree at all.  And no baby.  And it sucks.

This surge of emotion has taught me an important lesson about grieving. If you don't do it when the bad stuff happens it will eventually find it's way to you again.  I moved on from my most recent miscarriage with much more poise and grace than my first two.  But as I approach my due date I find myself sadder than I ever was at this point.  A good lesson in letting myself grieve.  It isn't weak to mourn your losses; it is healthy and necessary.

Moving around the holidays is never ideal.  My kids are at a magical age where I want to admire them looking up at a tree in their Christmas jammies. Instead I am explaining why they are leaving their familiar bedroom, schools, and friends.  It is too fast.  We just did this last year.  348 days ago we moved in and we are already packing up.

Packers come tomorrow, the moving truck comes Wednesday, John graduates on Friday and we are headed west to Denver that afternoon.  I am praying for peace; to be okay with this holiday season surrounded by boxes and without my extended family.  To get through our baby's due date gracefully and without too much pain.  I know I have many blessings and I know everything will be okay.  This is a season and things will look up soon.

This is what is on my heart right now.  Thanks for listening.   

As news started spreading yesterday that death benefits were halted due to the government shutdown, one of my friends wrote "yes, the sky really is falling".  Many Americans are using these past two weeks to argue that "nonessential" employees are a waste of money and proclaiming that their towns are no different, their lives have felt no impact, and that they are hunky dory so.  Who cares?  Let them shut it down.

Wrong.

Part of being a good human being is having empathy for others.  Looking outside yourself, outside your town, outside your constituency (ahem, Congress) and feeling the pain of your fellow Americans with you.  If you can't do that, it truly is a sign of inferior intelligence.  Just read a little from psychologist Erik Erikson if you want details on that.

You don't get elected to Congress to go to Washington and blindly vote your constituents wants with tunnel vision.  If that were the case, we could elect machines to go in and just type "yes" or "no" based on pure up or down votes from the masses within the boundary.  Congressional drones, if you will.  No, instead we elect humans because we all know that life isn't cut and dried and that sometimes, especially in times of great hardship and hurt, you need to look at the big picture.  You use your constituency's wants and needs as the lens in which you view the bigger picture, and in this case, the bigger nation. 

Congressmen and women are puffing up their chests and proudly proclaiming that they are fighting for the will of "their" people.  But what about the people who have sacrificed everything they have, their very lives, for a country that is currently betraying them?  How can you walk onto Capitol Hill knowing that you are hanging military widows out to dry?  How can you, with a straight face, argue that you are willing to shut down the government, paralyze the military, halt death benefits, not pay the very police officers protecting you within the Hill's walls, and even play with the brink of default and economic ruin, on behalf of your constituency?  It is ludicrous and sounds like utter insanity to the vast majority of Americans.

One of the small comforts to our soldiers is the "fact" that if something were to happen to them in war that our country would do everything in it's power to soften the blow to the family.  CACO (Casualty Assistance Calls Officers) are trained on how to give the news and then take the widow or parents of the fallen through the unimaginable task of burying their soldier, sailor, or marine.  Part of that includes a death gratuity of $100,000 to get through those first weeks.  Pay stops when a military member is killed.  Life insurance is not an instantaneous benefit.  But the death gratuity helps the family get to Dover to meet the body, pay for funeral expenses, pay their mortgage and bills, and basically give them some padding to grieve before all of the paperwork surrounding death was necessary.

That is suspended right now because a bunch of Congressman have forgotten about the big picture of our country.  Forgotten that one of the most important things we have is our integrity.  That we keep our promises, especially to those men and women who give the ultimate sacrifice.  The trust in our government is slowly but surely getting eaten away by Congressional and Presidential vitriol that makes me cringe and avoid the 24 hour news networks at all costs.  It isn't all about you, tea party. It isn't all about you, Mr. Boehner.  It isn't all about you, Mr. President. 

It is about our country as a whole, our ability to wrap our arms around each other in the hardest times, and our ability to sacrifice our position in order to help those most vulnerable.  We pay our bills because we promised we would.  We pay our war widows because when their husbands got on a plane to Afghanistan we promised we would.  To recant on those promises is un-American and shameful.

Wake up, America.  If 5 men have been able to sacrifice their life during this shutdown, the least you can do is sacrifice a little bit of your pride for the greater good.  It is time to come together and get out of this mess so that we can clean up and move forward. 

Dear Congress,

While the media pundits talk about waiting for one side to "blink", I think it is safe to say that the rest of America is already flinching.  Appalled at the lack of leadership being displayed on Capitol Hill right now.  Saddened by the inability of our nation's elected government to put their own political agendas and aspirations aside in order to do what is right.  Not notice I didn't say "best", I said "right".  The way you are holding your constituents hostage right now is unconscionable. And I think there are going to be dire consequences from this disgusting game of chicken you are waging with one another.

It is football season again, but I'm not talking about College Game Day or Monday Night.  I'm talking about using your government workers and military as a pawn in your desire to get what you want.  You have men and women on the front lines right now, young soldiers who live paycheck to paycheck, whose minds aren't 100% focused on their mission because they are worried about their families back home.  "Supporting the troops" means being for them in mind and body and spirit.  Not just slapping a yellow ribbon on your car and waving a flag during a parade or giving a speech on Memorial Day.  It is about thinking about the emotional ramifications of using troops to get what you want during a political temper tantrum. 

As my very eloquent and brilliant friend Vivian said on CNN yesterday, "we have always considered our paychecks sacrosanct".  And shouldn't we?  If the government shuts down tonight at midnight, all military members will be expected to report for duty on Tuesday morning.  Our overseas fighters will still be expected to go on their missions and stand the watch.  Military members will still be in harms way.  What a slap in the face to our military members and families to expect them to lay their lives on the line while Congress escalates the budget agreement into a fight over issues that have been lingering for years. 

On a personal level, the Naval Aviation community suffered a tragedy last week when two of our pilots were killed in the Red Sea.  They were flying missions in the Red Sea because of the ongoing uncertainty in Syria.  They were supposed to be home by now.  But no, they followed orders and served bravely and nobly and paid the ultimate price for their country.  And now, because of this inexcusable lack of leadership and motivation, the widows of these brave men might not get the death benefits they deserve.  Read the words of Landon's widow Theresa and tell me that this woman should be stressed about money right now?  The answer is no.  Thinking of her grief and anxiety makes me physically ill.  If it hasn't made you "blink" yet, you are certifiably crazy.

It took me almost a full week to sit down and write this letter.  I believed that Washington was better than this.  I grew up inside the beltway in McLean, I went to grade school with your children, attended birthday parties at your homes.  Congressman have never been so theoretical in my mind because I have watched you play with your kids and provide for your families.  You are human and have loved ones and understand how important family is.  But now, as part of the 1% that makes up military families, I have become disenchanted and saddened that the people I know have the power to compromise, to put their personal political agendas aside to truly work for the American people, have decided instead to use my husband's livelihood as the ultimate pawn.  Being the political party who "saves the troops" is now a prize.  But I challenge you to remember who you are saving the troops from.  That right now the villain is not Al Queda or an overseas target; right now it is our own government who is taking solid aim at our life.

Government distrust is real and has real consequences.  The more you use the military and government workers as a bargaining chip, the more that your best people will walk away.  This lifestyle is already stressful - between moves and separations and the dangers of the job, we are already more taxed than the average person.  But to add this bi-annual game of wondering whether we will even get our paycheck to pay our mortgage is unconscionable.  And you will send your best and brightest running to the private sector faster than you can "blink".  This battle, whether it is settled tonight at 11:59 PM or a week from now will leave a deep scar on the minds of military members and their families.  It will be something families consider when deciding to re-enlist or not.  And our nation will suffer for it.