Sunday, December 8, 2013

The Breathings of my Heart

The poet William Wordsworth once wrote, "fill the paper with the breathings of your heart".  Writers need to write.  It is stress relief, it is cathartic, it is important.  Some need to run, some need to draw, some need to yell and scream.  Writing has always made me feel better; like getting a thousand pounds off my chest.  It is freeing.

This blog takes on many different functions for me.  I wrestle with it sometimes.  Do I want to be as outspoken as I am sometimes?  Do I want it to be a diary?  If my kids read it in 15 years would I be proud? Do I want to be so public with my emotions and feelings and opinions?

I honestly don't have good answer for what I want it to be.  It just is.  I guess if I were to say something to Kate and Connor who might read this in 15 years - this blog is a good reflection of me.  Imperfect. Changing. Rough around the edges. An example of how in life it is okay to be happy and sad.  It is okay to be an open person.

We are entering our last week at Fort Leavenworth.  Moving again in the deep freeze of December and heading west to Southern California.  I'm excited about California.  I love the warmth and the ocean and I have always had a strange affinity for palm trees.  John even looked all over Pensacola for an apartment with some palm trees when he started flight school over a decade ago.  He knew the palm trees would put a smile on my face as we embarked on this crazy life together.  Our new house has palm trees in the driveway.  I can't tell you how excited that makes me.

But sadly, I'm not all sunshine this week.  It has actually been a remarkably sad few time for me.  Moving is hard.  The holidays are stressful. And as I approach the due date of our most recent loss I find myself in a trifecta of hurt.  When I watched the tree lighting at Rockefeller Center I burst into tears.  When I got pregnant last spring, I imagined us preparing for a new baby around a Christmas tree.  Instead, I see boxes and moving tape and no tree at all.  And no baby.  And it sucks.

This surge of emotion has taught me an important lesson about grieving. If you don't do it when the bad stuff happens it will eventually find it's way to you again.  I moved on from my most recent miscarriage with much more poise and grace than my first two.  But as I approach my due date I find myself sadder than I ever was at this point.  A good lesson in letting myself grieve.  It isn't weak to mourn your losses; it is healthy and necessary.

Moving around the holidays is never ideal.  My kids are at a magical age where I want to admire them looking up at a tree in their Christmas jammies. Instead I am explaining why they are leaving their familiar bedroom, schools, and friends.  It is too fast.  We just did this last year.  348 days ago we moved in and we are already packing up.

Packers come tomorrow, the moving truck comes Wednesday, John graduates on Friday and we are headed west to Denver that afternoon.  I am praying for peace; to be okay with this holiday season surrounded by boxes and without my extended family.  To get through our baby's due date gracefully and without too much pain.  I know I have many blessings and I know everything will be okay.  This is a season and things will look up soon.

This is what is on my heart right now.  Thanks for listening.   


Leigh said...

I understand exactly what you are talking about. You are strong and thank you for walking this hard road with such dignity. <3 thank you for sharing your heart, I am so sorry for your loss. I will really miss you guys, time just went too fast, Jill. I am glad you are on to a new season--at a very inconvenient time of year! Can't wait to see what is on the horizon for you in the new year! Isaiah 57:1-2

Courtney said...

I can relate to and understand {almost} everything you're thinking and feeling. In regards to blogs, feelings, loss, due dates, and moving{although no situation is exactly alike}. Praying for you, Jill.

Lori said...

Sending you love, friend...been thinking about you lots as you have been preparing to move...I remember when you lost the baby and I thought, "I know what empty arms at Christmas feel like." Of course, you have Kate and Connor, but you are right—it's healthy to mourn those you dreamed about, love and miss. xoxoxoxoxoxxoxooxoxoxoxo

Karen said...

You're in my thoughts Jill. It is never easy. And don't worry about what this blog is...the best ones are left undefined.

Kimber said...

Wow... I completely relate to this. I was so sad when we moved at the end of August. If I hadn't miscarried, I would either have been moving very pregnant or with a newborn. I was even sadder not setting up a nursery in our new house. And when our youngest two became two and a half, I was even sadder thinking of the widening age gap. I *still* think about how perfect the timing was if that last pregnancy hadn't ended how it did. It was my second miscarriage and I really felt miscarrying the second time was harder this time around than the first time... It just became harder... and the kids are a welcome distraction, but they also kept me too busy to mourn as I wanted to... I've found my grief creeping up at various, unexpected times. I'm sorry you are going through this. :( I was comforted reading your post that someone else shares my feelings.

Hi, I'm Jill!

Hi, I'm Jill!
Extrovert. Mom of two. Wife of a cute Naval Aviator. Lover of wine. When I'm not chasing my two kids around town you will find me writing, taking too many photos, and researching the ten future areas the Navy could potentially (but probably won't) PCS us. We are fish out of water, landlocked at 7,000 feet. For now.

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