John calls me to say his flight was cancelled (due to torrential rain and wind), can I please wait for him to go to the gym.  Sure.  After a few seconds of waiting:

Kate decides she needs to pee, I put her on the little toddler potty in our den...

And the roof starts leaking.

As I run to get a bucket to stop the leak from getting on our hardwoods, Kate is done peeing and runs off naked.

Connor finds the potty.

Pee goes everywhere.

Dog decides that the pee looks delicious and proceeds to drink the pee.

I race to put down the rain bucket, keep my 14 month old from getting covered in pee, and wrestle my dog away from the temptation.

Dog starts gagging.

Dog pukes all over the floor.

I find myself covered in rain water, dog puke, and pee.  Holding my 14 month old and racing to find my naked 2 year old.

If I had just walked out the door to go to the gym in the first place I wouldn't have dealt with any of this.  Therefore this is all my husband's fault!

Obviously.

It has been way too long since I updated this blog and I really don't want to become one of those bloggers who starts each post with an apology.  So in that spirit, I hope I will write more in February.

This month has been wonderful and very busy.  We have had lots of visits from friends and family, spent a lot of time together as a foursome, and just gotten into our post-holiday/post-deployment routine.

Some of my favorite highlights from the month...

*  My dad visited earlier in the month.  He has a bunch of horses and wanted to check out a horse that was for sale in Virginia Beach.  We drove (and drove and drove) down to Pungo to check the horse out.  I proceeded to jump on and nearly get bucked off into an electric fence.  Not cool.  English trained rider on a Western style horse who doesn't like being in an enclosed ring = bad idea.  Very very bad.  Another sad aside, my legs hurt for like three days.  After being on the horse for like three minutes.  I am getting old.

*  Connor's godparents, Josh and Christine, visited for a weekend.  It was awesome to hang out with them and see their sweety pie Sofia (who is about a week older than Connor). 

*  Johnny continued to be an "acts of service" kind of guy and built Connor an awesome rocket ship bookcase.  About half of the furniture in our kid's room are things that Johnny has constructed in his spare time.  He is awesome at looking at a picture of something I love in Pottery Barn Kids and reproducing it in the garage for about 1/5 the cost.  I already have a few things on order for the next warm weekend.

John has been home a whole month which is crazy.  We have been spending a lot of time as a family adjusting to our new (better) normal.  I have had some time to think about all of the things that helped get me through his deployment and want to share them on this blog.  Remember, this is MY survival guide as a 30 year old mother of two toddlers.  I am perfectly aware that we all have different wants, needs, and situations.  If I had written this on John's first or second deployment (with no kids and graduate school/a full time job) it would have been totally different (um, survival tip #1 would have been dinner and drinks with friends at least once per week with a trip to the Norfolk BANQUE for good humor).   Notsomuch anymore.

1.  A sense of humor and a can-do attitude.


This isn't just a deployment survival tool, but a life survival tool.  There were many mornings where I would be standing in the kitchen at 6:30 AM while two kids cried and whined, the dog was standing at my feet looking for breakfast, and the cat was meowing because of the kids crying.  And I would just LAUGH.  Maybe in a maniacal way, but I still laughed.  It was either that or run screaming out the front door. 

Look for the humor in things, embrace the fact that you can't change your situation, know you are capable of much more than you think.  The days where I let the dark words "I can't do this" into my mind were my worst days.  The days where I would remind myself that "this too shall pass" and work on one issue at a time, forgave myself for not being perfect, and remembered the big picture were the better days.

2.  Family and Friends



It is okay to accept help.  It is okay to tell people you need something.  In October (rock bottom) I called my mother in tears.  I was just absolutely at my wits end.  My mother got in the car and drove the four hours down to help that day.  Be HONEST with yourself - I needed help.  Thankfully, my mother arrived as my knight in shining armor.

Surround yourself with as many supportive, happy, encouraging people as you can.  If a friend offers to help you and you need help - take it.  There is no trophy for doing everything yourself all the time. 

3.  Boxed Wine

I'm not kidding.


Although the name of this blog implies that I drink a lot, it isn't really the truth.  I probably have one glass of wine about three times per week.  Early on in the deployment I would open a bottle of wine and inevitably it would get dumped down the sink a few days later because I didn't drink it in time.  I'm sure a lot of solo parents have this issue. Enter my friend Melissa, the guru of wine, and she recommended Black Box.  (this is not an advertisement, I am not being paid, blah blah blah)

Black Box is 4 bottles of wine in an air-tight bag in a box and lasts about a month.  It gave me the freedom to drink wine at my leisure without worrying about wasting another good bottle of wine.  It is a high quality boxed wine so it doesn't taste gross or make you feel like you are slumming it.  If you are the type of person who enjoys a relaxing glass of wine in the evening but doesn't like the pressure of having to finish the bottle alone then BB is a good ticket.

4.  Get out of the house every day

Even if getting out of the house is a long walk around your neighborhood or a trip to the grocery store - just go.  There was nothing that gave me the "blahs" faster than sitting around the house all day.  I got cranky, the kids got stir crazy, and toward the end of the day it would be a train wreck.  I needed to talk to at least see that there were other adults in the world.  The kids needed the change of scenery.  We needed milk.  It was almost always a win-win to get in the car and go somewhere. 

5.  Luxuries

Reward yourself.  Decide what you love, what you can afford, and make sure you do something nice for yourself.  My luxuries during this past deployment were a cleaning lady every other week and a babysitter once per week.  For you it might be a bi-weekly pedicure or massage, buying yourself new shoes each month, or something else that makes you happy.  Obviously this is at the mercy of your budget and your preferences. 

The military pays you more during deployment for a reason.  Taking a parent out of the house makes things markedly harder.  You cant' just run to the store after bedtime while your spouse holds down the fort.  You can't schedule doctor's appointments for when your spouse is available to watch the kids.  If I wanted or needed to go somewhere without the kids, I had to pay someone $10-$12 an hour.  You start understanding why "family separation pay" was created... and it isn't to save for the new car when you husband returns.

Go over the budget before your spouse leaves and see if there is some room for a babysitter, drop in daycare once per week, or any other thing you desire.  It is important to recharge your batteries and look forward to some alone time every once in awhile.  If being a good mother is the most important thing to me, then getting away from them a few hours per week is an imperative. 

6.  Set Realistic Goals

You will inevitably have some time where you can get some goals accomplished - do it!  Be realistic, write it down, put the time aside.  It can be anything from weight loss to getting your scrapbooks or picture albums organized.  After 7pm I often felt lonely and would look to my goals for inspiration on what to do with those hours.  You can only watch so many episodes of the Real Housewives... 

7.  Hit the Road

I traveled a lot less during John's first two deployments than this one.  Back then I was very busy with graduate school.  We lived on the southside and I would commute to Williamsburg nearly every day for class (about 45 minutes one-way without any traffic).  I usually didn't get home until close to 10pm.  I had internships in Virginia Beach and Norfolk, worked as a substitute teacher in my spare hours, and was just spread thin with my professional and educational obligations.  Because of that, I really didn't travel at all.

This time my obligations (Kate and Connor) were more portable-ish.  I would try to plan at least one trip per month.  Most of them were to Northern Virginia where my family is, but we also went to Connecticut and I went to Florida and France.  Packing and getting there were usually pretty stressful, but there wasn't one trip I went on that I regretted.  I got to see friends, the kids got to see new places, and I had a few extra sets of hands to help me.  It made time go by quickly and gave me small milestones to look forward to throughout the seven months. 

8.  Coffee on a morning timer

'Nuf said.


9.  Memberships

We belong to the YMCA and have year-passes to our local zoo, botanical garden, and children's museum.  I had zero excuse to be bored.  The YMCA has a daycare so if I was having a rough morning I could go put the kids in the daycare and run upstairs to jump on a treadmill for 45 minutes.  I could then shower in peace, get dressed as slowly as I pleased, and then pick the kids up feeling like a million bucks.  Our Y even has a "reading room" that is a quiet space for perusing People Magazine while someone else watches your kids.  Priceless.

Aside from being a good investment, seasons passes give you the freedom to go to the zoo or museum and only stay as long as everyone is happy.  If one of my kids just isn't having a good day, I can leave after 20 minutes and not be worried about the $20 I just wasted.  It gave me amazing freedom to just put them in the stroller, go see the monkeys, and leave.  No biggie.  No stress. 

10.  Make Communicating with your Spouse Easy

I like paper letters and love to send them to John.  To make it easy, I have a stationery drawer in my kitchen where I keep a big supply of cards and notes.  When I am at Target or Hallmark I don't buy one card - I buy 10.  Then when it strikes me, I can just go into the drawer and have plenty of cards to choose from, write it really quick (or let the kids scribble on it after breakfast), and throw it in the mail.  If it is easy you will do it.  If you have to go to the store, but the card, write the card, find the address in a pile of junk, then hit the post office for a stamp you will never do it.  But our spouses love and appreciate mail.  I'll never forget when it clicked with John why people are so happy and proud of their kids' artwork.  For him, having something that "her little hands" had touched and created meant the world to him.  So I made a huge effort to regularly do this.

If you don't love paper letters, use your iPhone or email account to send lots of notes and pictures.  Keep it simple and set yourself up for success.  If it is a headache you won't follow through and communication is incredibly important for everyone in the family.

~~~~

That is all I can think of right now.  Of course, if you have some great ideas for women who are going through deployment, please share them in the comment section.

Happy new year, friends!  This morning I took a deep sigh of relief at my outlook for 2012 vs. 2011.  On January 1, 2011 I had a 7 week old newborn and was surrounded by boxes and paperwork and the stress that moving brings.  We moved in late January and then faced the "real" Navy for the first time in three years.  I knew I was staring down a deployment that would take my husband away for the majority of the year.  I was scared about what 2011 would hold for me and our family (and my frown lines).

But we survived.  Whew.  And unless the Navy pulls a surprise out of their hat, I should have John home for all of the holidays and happy outings that 2012 brings.  I couldn't be more thrilled and am really excited for this year.

Here is my year in review through pictures...

January

In January we were still living in Great Mills, Maryland as John finished up his time at VX-20.  Kate was 18 months old and Connor was 2 months old.  We were living somewhat in limbo - Connor didn't have a nursery (since I knew we would be leaving so shortly after he was born) and Kate was just starting to get used to her new brother.

February

In February, we made the big move back to Norfolk, Virginia. John joined his current command, CVW-8, and we moved into new (rental) house. While John worked with the movers and boxes and cleaners and property managers, I took both kids to my mom's house to hide. Connor was baptized at the Naval Academy.








August

In August I take a weekend away from the kids and head to a wedding in Florida.  I realize how lucky Johnny and I are to have known each other so long.  The wedding was for his USNA roommate, and despite the fact that everyone attending the wedding are "his" college friends, I have a blast and felt completely comfortable going solo.  On the family front, while my mom is away on a much needed vacation with girlfriends, John's brother Tommy and his family invade the house from Atlanta.  It was so awesome to have such a full house and catch up with them.








November

November came and I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Connor turned 1 on 11/11 and I threw him a small party.  At the end of the month I got to jump on a plane and head to Marseille, France to spend a few wonderful days with Johnny.  My family banded together to watch Kate and Connor for us.



December

HOMECOMING came on December 7, 2011. 

Since John returned a few weeks ago I have found myself in awe of the attitude switch that occurs between my deployment mode and my-husband-is-home-and-I-am-a-damsel-in-distress mode.  For example, if I see a bug?  During deployment:  Scream into a pillow so I don't scare the kids and then suck it up and dispose of the bug.  Post-deployment: Scream like a banshee and run and find John to dispose of the bug.  Outside.  In our neighbors yard.  Then let him take care of the two scared toddlers.  See also: opening jars, unclogging toilets, changing light bulbs, putting air in my car tires, and, most importantly, packing for road trips.

Traveling was part of survival during deployment.  I needed company, adult interaction, a change of scenery, and to attend family obligations or important events.  I won't lie and say it was a breeze, it took many hours of packing as quietly as possible because the only time to do it was during naps or when they were sleeping in the evening.  But I did it. And I didn't need much wine or Valium or cheerleading to get it finished.  But now?  Oy vey how the hell did I do that all by myself?

Watching John try to pack all of our crap into our car for this road trip made me laugh wonder if I could have done it without him.  Deep down the answer is a resounding "duh, of course", but seriously, I am starting to understand why people are so quick to say things like "I could never do that" when they look at your situation from the outside.  I think we naturally let our guard down to the point where you can live happily and healthily with the resources we have.  This avoids gray hair, overeating, and divorce.  So if our husbands are gone, our guard goes up and we work it out.  Husband home?  He gets to mow the grass and I let lots of things just seamlessly slip into the "his" category without a lot of fanfare. 

Those of you who know my husband know that when he gets home I yield to him in all things packing, organizing, and filing.  He is borderline OCD and when it comes to certain things it really is his way or no way (or really, his way or he will re-pack the car, re-fold his laundry, re-organize the office). So I save myself some time and just let him do it (or in the case of the laundry, begrudgingly learn how to fold things the "Naval Academy way".  Yes, our shirts look like little rectangles).  During my deployment road trips, I did not care if certain things were in the trunk or if I had to use the area below the carseats to store things.  I didn't think too hard about having a "base" in luggage before stacking other lighter objects.  I just packed.  And I am proud to say I was never that person on the side of the highway whose items were strewn across the lanes.  But it wasn't perfect.  And I surely didn't optimize space to the perfectionist standards of Johnny.  A few times I even thought about taking a picture of my packed car and emailing it to him just because I know the reaction would have been funny.  And that he would have had a small tic for the rest of the day.

Overall, our road trip was a success.  Gifts got where they needed to go (and we packed all or them with plenty of rear-window visibility), the kids had a blast with their cousins, the food was excellent, and we lost just enough sleep to make us appreciate our own beds by the time we returned.

Hopefully my three readers didn't think I was a total scrooge for not blogging the obligatory "Merry Christmas" post on 12/25.  I really do hope you had a wonderful holiday (no matter what you celebrate) and got to soak up a lot of quality time with your loved ones.  For your patience, and overall viewing pleasure, here is the holiday photo that sums up what it is like to try and get four kids under five to pose nicely for a Christmas photo:


The soundtrack is even better than the picture.  Three adults laughing, three toddlers crying, and a train whistle just for fun.  This photo is totally going in the "wedding rehearsal dinner slide show" file.  For all four of them.

Yesterday in the Op Ed section of the New York Times they published a short opinion on why the military pension system should continue.

The middle of the article sounded a lot like my personal plea to keep the retirement system in the military stable.  It reads:

Needless to say, there are critical differences between the civilian and military work forces. Soldiers who have risked their lives for our nation should not also have to risk their retirement savings in stocks. But there are many more mundane sacrifices required of career service members that also make it hard for them to build up the kind of wealth — whether in their houses, their careers or the careers of their spouses — that cushions civilian retirees from the whims of the market.

Service members are often required to move, for example, which hinders their ability to build home equity. Many have to put off purchasing homes, and those who do buy do not have the option of choosing not to move if their mortgages become underwater. For this reason, the housing crash of recent years has hit service families especially hard.

Frequent moves also make it hard for service members’ spouses to find work and progress in their own careers. This is most likely a primary reason that median household incomes for military families are lower than those of their civilian counterparts.

Hopefully, these items will start being discussed more seriously and not be a mere footnote (or non-none as I saw in some original proposals).  Thank you, New York Times, for bringing these important factors into the mainstream news.

Somehow a week has flown by since Johnny returned from deployment.  I have spent a lot of time walking around on cloud nine; I cannot tell you how amazing it is to have someone to take a baby out of your hands and replace it with a cup of coffee after a deployment.  John has had to stop me a few times and just say "I'll handle it" because I have become a scurrier these past seven months.  There were days where I honestly didn't stop moving (fluid motion between diaper changing, feeding, playing, laundry, more diapers, more feeding, trying to keep the kids from killing each other, cleaning the kitchen, going out on errands, more diapers, etc, ad nauseum) between 7AM and 7PM.  And then after bedtime I would walk downstairs and want to cry because of the mess in front of me.  My mom will attest that there were days when she was here that at about noon she would ask me if I had eaten anything and I would look at her and say "uuuh, no actually".  Forgetting to eat was the norm for awhile.  I wasn't the priority - the kids were.  Showering, eating, exercising...  they were all second to making sure the kids were fed, clean, safe, and happy.

Parenting, especially parenting a 2 and 1 year old, is a two person endeavour.  Probably a 5 or 6 person endeavour but let's be realistic.  But there were many times during the deployment where I would feel that what I was trying to do (be a good mom to two small kids) was nearly impossible with my setup (a deployed husband and no family nearby).  One of the 2432423 reasons I'm happy Johnny is home is that I think I will be a better mom - less stressed, more rested, and a lot more excited to go do fun things.

I've been thinking a lot about how I handled myself the past seven months.  If you have been reading, I started this blog as a way to remember the ups and downs of this deployment.  In my very first post I wrestled with the idea of time and how our life doesn't pause when things we don't like happen.  How, no matter what my attitude was toward deployment, nothing can change that I had seven months on my own.  So I better make the most of those seven months. 

On a very basic level we did great. The kids are happy and healthy, the house is still standing, both pets (and even koi fish!) survived.  Bills were paid, cars are in good shape, our rental properties are doing well.  Nothing fell apart.  Yay me. 

But as I strip the layers down, I know that there were many times where I wish I could have just relaxed and let things happen more gracefully.  Because of my anxiety, I often pick things down to the most minute detail and perseverate on them.  This isn't healthy.  I probably drove my mother halfway insane by my inability to let go and let others help me without worrying constantly about everything.  I worried about putting people out, about asking for help, about a babysitter coming over and seeing a messy kitchen, about not sending Johnny enough packages, about my neighbors thinking the grass was too long, etc.  I think that I would have done myself a huge favor by just letting some things go (and really letting go) over the past months.  Appearances aren't everything, and honestly, having a glass of wine instead of scrubbing your kitchen floor is sometimes the best choice.

I have a few friends who have recently said farewell to their husbands.  I really hope that they are good to themselves and worry less than I did.  I hope they find the joy in the everyday.  I hope that they pour themselves a glass of wine and just put their feet up a few times a week.  Put your coffee maker on a timer and pour yourself a cup BEFORE you pour that sippy cup.  Make sure you hire a babysitter and get out of the house at least once per week on your own.  And don't don't feel guilty about it.  Don't be afraid to ask for help because so many people are really genuine in their offers. 

I am going to compile a deployment survival guide in the next few days.  Mostly so that next time I can remember what really helped me.  But hopefully it will help a few others too.