Wednesday, December 7, 2016

The Heartache of Moving

December is an emotionally charged month for me. I think the holidays tend to be full of memories for people - both happy and sad - and I know that it's a good rule of thumb to be gentle and kind to one another this time of year.

But you guys, I am an absolute hot mess right now. If you are a close friend of mine you're probably nodding your head right now because I've been texting you with how off I feel. How right now I've been pretty sad and confused. How this move has left me more off balance than I've ever felt on a Navy move. How I just feel out of place, out of touch, and swirling in this snowy unfamiliar landlocked place.

Part of moving is trying to go through old things and give away or throw away what is unnecessary. This time I have dove deeper than in previous years (probably because my kids are older and I have more time to do thorough purging). The pictures are hitting me hard. The memories are hitting me harder. And I'm having trouble piecing together the joy of this season matched up against how empty and un-rooted I feel. I look back over the last 20 years with my husband and just can't believe that we were that young. Where has the time gone? What have I done that is good with that time? Did I absorb and enjoy my kids as babies enough? Did I ignore the boxes and just lay under the tree with my kids enough? Am I enough?

Thanks to Facebook I often get reminded of what I've done in past Decembers.

At this time in 2010 we were packing up our newborn and 1 year old and heading to Virginia.

At this time in 2012 we were packing up our 2 and 3 year olds and heading to Kansas.

At this time in 2013 we were packing up our 3 and 4 year olds and heading to California.

And this year we just arrived in Colorado.

My December Facebook memories are full of boxes, long car rides, and filling final days with "bucket list" items. Right now I'm sitting at my desk looking out on a snowy white lawn. And I'm so confused about how less than 2 months ago I was laying on a pool lounge chair watching my kids swim with their friends under the palm trees. I feel like Dorothy after the tornado. Where the hell am I?

The change is getting harder for me as I get older. I'm finding it harder to place adventure ahead of my homesickness. And I honestly don't even know where I'm homesick for at this point, just that I am longing for HOME. A place that is consistent and smells familiar and that houses our memories for longer than 2 years. Not vanilla rental homes that I have to squeeze my furniture into and pray it doesn't look too Frankenstein.

And then I feel guilty.

I love my life. I have so many things that I know I am incredibly blessed to have. My kids are healthy and happy and if I'm being honest they are handling this move a hell of a lot better than I am. The people make this life amazing. My kids are learning about the diversity of this country and how to live with many different kids of people, climates, and backgrounds. I'm proud of them and of how accepting and resilient they are. Their hearts are wide open, while mine is crying because it's feeling lonely.

At 35 I guess I'm just not as breezy. This won't be a post where I end on some high note and profess how attitude is everything. It's a post where I say: If you just moved and you're sad, well, you're not alone. You are normal. It is okay. This is HARD.


Sam Inks said...

Look around. There's got to be some wine somewhere ;-) Those of us who have been living in the same house for 30 odd years thank Johnny for his service to our country and thank you for the support you have provided him in his effort. Johnny is I am sure very thankful for the beautiful person and mother that you are. Merry Christmas to you, Johnny and those wonderful kids.

stephanie Cady said...

I can totally relate, we moved in December as well back to Hampton Roads and it may have been 2 years now, but I remember hitting that 1 year mark and freaking out thinking I still hadn't adjusted, the place hadn't clicked, no "real" friends or connections just not meshing and feeling like I wanted to be somewhere else but not sure where. I think also as our kids get into more activities we can easily neglect ourselves too. I love our area as well it really does get harder each time, but you are so social that won't be hard :) Merry Christmas!

Christina Dwyer said...

We are in the thick of it. Living with friends until the 17th because our House is on it's way to Italy right now. Try getting someone to "feel bad" for you when you tell them you're moving to Europe. It's Christmas time, my favorite time of year and I'm missing it. My family will be torn with Thomas staying behind(he is an adult now and I hate it). We will be in stick furniture until the end of January. Poor Rachel is starting her 3rd high school. "But your moving to Italy"...I know, we are lucky but I'm tired too. Try 49 on for size. I could be looking at grandchildren in the next few years. Will we always be nomads? And where is HOME? We have no clue. I can't imagine saying ok this is our home, forever.

Sfitzharlow said...

It's no wonder you are feeling discombobulated. You've been torn from home to home to home. And you feel guilty for not being completely happy about it. You are entitled to feel resentment, sadness, and all the other emotions you are feeling. Being winter doesn't help.

Depression can be debilitating. I know from personal experience. My move last year was very very difficult and compounded already existing depression. Over time and months of taking care of myself, getting out into nature everyday, keeping up with my meds and finally getting our own house, I feel at home again. It's still miss my life in MN, but the pain isn't there.

Time, self-pampering, therapy, medication, meditation, making new friends, and, of course, shopping, all have helped. (Easier for me with no kids at home, I realize). You will find your way.

Maryalice said...

Hi! I just came across your blog from Blue Star Families and wanted to say hello! I'm an Army spouse stationed at Fort Carson and I've lived in Colorado Springs for a while! Not sure if you're interested or ready to get involved but I'm part of a group that gets military spouses together for health and wellness type activities in the area. I've met lots of Navy spouses through it! We're doing a free acro yoga class at the end of the month. Let me know if you're interested and I can email you the details! If not, I just want to wish you a warm welcome to Colorado!

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Hi, I'm Jill!

Hi, I'm Jill!
Extrovert. Mom of two. Wife of a cute Naval Aviator. Lover of wine. When I'm not chasing my two kids around town you will find me writing, taking too many photos, and researching the ten future areas the Navy could potentially (but probably won't) PCS us. We are fish out of water, landlocked at 7,000 feet. For now.

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