Well, this sucks.

When I started this blog I never expected anyone to really read it. John, even as private as he is, considered this platform a blessing because it is a pathway to my thoughts. Thoughts that I probably wouldn't put in an email, but would blabber to the "world" in one of my random essays about how much deployment with two kids under two was crazy hard. So he would read my blog in port calls and probably compare my "we're doing great!" emails to "geez there isn't enough wine in the world" blog posts and just get an honest average of how we were really doing.

Then people started reading and people started recognizing me in our small little military world. I'm in no way famous, but as anyone in the military can attest to, this is a very small world. So become a blogger and a columnist in a small world and you quickly start becoming recognized. I have had a few creepy moments along the way, but none that would cause me to panic and delete the blog.

That said, with ISIS and threats to military families becoming more and more relevant in the last two years, I have often paused about how safe I was being. Now, I'm not going to dive into a bunker anytime soon and change my name, but I was aware of my own public persona possibly being a danger to the kids and I. Then Paris happened, John deployed the following day, and I felt a little scared. And then we discovered that someone had stolen the pictures from my blog and created "me" on Facebook. CREEPY. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. It wasn't me panicking because of one thing, it was a series of concerns with a gigantic cherry on top.

It isn't what I want. This is deployment where shit is real and where my readers get a glimpse into the crazy, hard, sad, fun, confusing normal that military families go through. I think it's important when 99% of the country has no "skin in the game" for some of us to talk about how it is to be in that 1%. Also, it's therapeutic for me to write and get feedback - positive and negative - throughout. So me locking down my blog was a sad thing to do. The plan is to open it back up when John returns, and hopefully the ways of the world will make it reasonable to do that next summer.

Anyway, if you are reading this, I appreciate it! Feel free to comment here now - nobody is reading except vetted friends, family, and military spouses. I do appreciate comments - even if they tell me to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Sometimes I need that!

Cheers, everyone! Thanks for sticking with me.

Today.

Today I said goodbye. It was the day that we anticipated and dreaded for so many months.

Today I had to tell my heartbroken 6 year old daughter that it was more than 30 days, more than 100, more than 200 days.

Today I stood on the beach with my military spouse sisters and waved goodbye. To what they are flying toward we don't know, and what adventures we will have when they are away is also a mystery. But today we stood shoulder to shoulder as our spouses go to fight as brothers.

Copyright: Lesley Watt

Today and every day we are a family.

Today my 5 year old son asked me with wide eyes if he was the man of the house. And today I still don't know a good answer to that question. He wants to be a big guy, but today he is still so little and I want him to feel free from stress.

Today we listened to the familiar hum of the Hawkeye engines taking our loved ones away. Today we start the countdown and look forward to that sound again when they'll be returning safe and sound.



Today I am grateful. Grateful for the friends in my life who understand, who encourage, and who love without bounds. For treats left on porches, wine between friends, the sounds of our kids playing happily while we absorb and process the day.



Today it was me. Tomorrow it will be another family somewhere in the world.

Today is day 1. One day down.