Wednesday, January 9, 2013

How Old Am I Again?

I am starting to think that the older I get, the more toddler-like I become.

I love routine more and more.  Take me out of my routine and I get grumpy.  I bet Johnny would tell you I have had a few tantrums in the last few weeks as we have ironed out the wrinkles in our life here in Kansas.

I want my mommy.  Take me away from what is familiar and I go a little nuts.  I miss my favorite people, restaurants, MY MOM (!!), and all of the things that made Virginia comfortable.  I have been spoiled thus far in the Navy because I have always been within an easy drive of family.  Now I'm not and.  Well.  Waaah!

When I don't get enough exercise, I am not fun to be around.  The gym or running has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember.  I have always been a bit of a jock. So for the past few weeks where I hadn't figured out how I was going to get my workouts in (due to child-care challenges) I was like a toddler who had been cooped up in an apartment all day.  Not pretty.  Zoloft is not my drug of choice - running endorphins are.  My mood changes entirely after a good long run.

I feel small.  The world of the military can literally swallow you whole.  They try to be family oriented (and I do believe they make an effort), but at the end of the day my little family is one in a sea of thousands.  Hundreds of thousands.  And I often feel like "the big Navy" doesn't give a damn about my comforts or my ability do anything without an entire spool of red tape in my way.  No matter how hard I try and how loud I scream I still feel like "they" are throwing more paperwork at me and telling me there are more hoops to jump through. 

This move hasn't been pretty for me.  My mood is glum and I am annoyed with myself.  This is not who I am.  I am usually the one with a smile on my face, looking for friends, going out of my way to really find the good in places, people, things - whatever!  But this new place, mixed with the cold weather, sick kids, me being homesick, not enough exercise, etc ad nauseum. You get my point.  I haven't been so happy.

Thankfully, in the past week I have been working hard to cure some of these blues.

1.  Kate and Connor started a music and art program together on Mondays.  For the first time ever I have 2.5 hours where they are both at school together and I can get things done alone.  Or have a pedicure.  Whichever seems more pressing.

2.  Kate is happily in her new school.  She loves it and is much happier having that outlet, her little friends, and her new teacher Mrs. Jones (who, thank God, is wonderful and a good fit for my Kate).

3.  I joined a gym.  I was trying to figure out how to make the base gym work (they have a parent-run co-op for very limited child care) but I quickly realized it wasn't quite enough for me.  And remember those spools of red tape I mentioned above?  Yea.  I am guessing I could get at TS clearance more easily than I could get accepted into this co-op (no joke). 

4. Yesterday my mom bought plane tickets to visit me in March.  Today our best friends from the DC area bought tickets to visit us.  And I bought tickets to visit some of my favorite people in San Diego next month.  Kansas feels isolating, but I know the people who will make it feel like home are coming soon.  And that for three days in February I will get a dose of SoCal sun.

5.  I am thankful for a patient, loving, devoted husband.  Oh my, thank God for him.  I have not been very easy to be around these past few weeks.  He listens, hugs me, and ignores me when I am being totally ridiculous. 

As we start getting back into our routine of school, gym, play dates, and family time I know things will start brightening up in my world.  I will shed the wet blanket I have been carrying on my shoulders.   I know that this stuff isn't easy, I don't think I was delusional and ever thought it was.  But sometimes I don't think people are really honest about how freaking hard it is to pick up roots and move so often.  To shift gears.  To stay happy and healthy.  To make sure your kids are thriving.  To keep your marriage solvent.  All of this is just weighing on me and I need to shove it off.  Sometimes I read things written by military spouses and it is so bright and airy and preppy and pretty and.  Ugh.  Really?  Like I asked when writing about the Facebook façade, I can't be the only struggling, can I?


Michelle said...

You should read my blog or Facebook posts. We have never been closer than 1000 miles from family, have had two OCONUS assignments, and this summer our 5 and 4 year olds will move into their 5th and 4th home, respectively....and there was a deployment between all that. Yay it is freaking hard!

The good is that we have gotten to live in some awesome places and see things we wouldn't have otherwise. The bad is we have also lived in places I hate.

The Girl said...

It. Is. Freaking. Hard. And I am not even three years deep into my husband being active duty! In these short 31 months, we have moved 5 times and will be moving for the 6th time next month. I spend the first month in what I call "new house harmony" where I am super excited and thrilled to have a new place to live. Then months 2&3 I am all rainy-storm-cloud-girl. You aren't the only one suffering! But I loveeee reading your blog & I appreciate you being real.

Hi, I'm Jill!

Hi, I'm Jill!
Extrovert. Mom of two. Wife of a cute Naval Aviator. Lover of wine. When I'm not chasing my two kids around town you will find me writing, taking too many photos, and researching the ten future areas the Navy could potentially (but probably won't) PCS us. We are fish out of water, landlocked at 7,000 feet. For now.

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